Vol. 16 No. 35 | September 2, 2013
You never know what lies behind the actions, words, or attitude of another human being unless somehow you are able to connect with them in a real and meaningful way. When we do not know we assume, we judge, and condemn. This story from Brennen Manning’s Abba’s Child illustrates it powerfully.
“Understanding triggers the compassion that makes forgiveness possible. Author Stephen Covey recalled an incident while riding the New York City subway one Sunday morning. The few passengers aboard were reading the newspaper or dozing. It was a quiet, almost somnolent ride through the bowels of the Big Apple. Covey was engrossed in reading when a man accompanied by several small children boarded at the next stop. In less than a minute, bedlam erupted. The kids ran up and down the aisle shouting, screaming, and wrestling with one another on the floor. Their father made no attempt to intervene.”“The elderly passengers shifted nervously. Stress became distress. Covey waited patiently. Surely the father would do something to restore order: a gentle word of correction, a stern command, some expression of paternal authority—anything. None was forthcoming. Frustration mounted. After an unduly generous pause, Covey turned to the father and said kindly, ‘Sir, perhaps you could restore order here by telling your children to come back and sit down.’ ‘I know I should do something,’ the man replied. ‘We just came from the hospital. Their mother died an hour ago. I just don’t know what to do.'” (Excerpt From: Manning, Brennan. Abba’s Child. NavPress, 2002. iBooks.)
Manning concludes the section with this statement: “The heartfelt compassion that hastens forgiveness matures when we discover where our enemy cries.”
Anything like that ever happen to you? A child is misbehaving, a teenager wearing baggy jeans that look like they might drop to the floor any second, the couple at the table next to you having an intense conversation that makes you and most of the other people in the restaurant uncomfortable, the clerk snaps at you when you ask a simple question, your spouse seems distant and irritable, or your child storms the table after spewing words that cut you to the core of your soul and breaks your heart.
Be very thoughtful with your next move. The life of the relationship depends on how you choose to respond.
You can assume the worst. “He’s such a jerk!” “She is so hateful!”
You can respond in kind. “You treat me like that and you’ll be sorry.” “Forget you!”
You can react with even worse words. “You ugly #%^*!” “You good-for-nothing lazy bum!”
There is another option.
When you are confronted with a person or a situation where your immediate and natural reaction or response is to judge, be critical or assume the absolute worst about the person, stop. Stop right there and consider that there is more to the story than you can possibly see. In time, you may be able to build a relationship with the person and learn the pain behind the defensive and non-trusting attitude. The guy did not start out like he is now. The woman did not plan for her life to be as painful as it is. The teenager did not wake up one morning say, “I am going be as mean, and selfish, and hard to get along with as I can possibly be for the rest of my life.’ Something happened.
As a follower of Jesus we do a great service when we take time to ask a few questions, not make a few assumptions, and move in as close as we can get to the person and listen to their story. It may take time (it usually does) to get close enough and show them that you can be trusted with their pain. It may never happen in some cases where the pain is so deep and so great. But, you will be transformed when you take the time, make the effort, and allow God to open your eyes to really see inside the person.
Something to keep in mind: Sometimes even when you know the back story, the guy is a jerk, she really is that hateful, and that couple actually is trying to manipulate you. That may be true. You cannot change who they are or the circumstances that made them the way they are. But, you can change how you think, feel, and respond to them. Some will not allow you inside their protective cover, but don’t stop hoping they will. If you push too hard they will run.
I am reminded of the people Jesus met who had been rejected by society. The woman at the well (John 4), the woman caught in adultery (John 8), the blind man (John 9), and others. Instead of joining the crowd and say, “You are worthless!” Jesus responded with gentle, loving words. Jesus started with forgiving eyes and tender touches. Jesus started by trying to understand the reason behind their cries.
You can do that too. You have His Spirit living in you. You have the opportunities to disarm an angry, hurting and broken man or woman or child or teenager who knows only pain, disappointment, and anger. You may be the one person God has placed in that person’s path to show them a different way. They may be the one person God has placed in your path to show you a different way.
Lead with love and compassion. Jesus did with you. Look what that has done in your life.
Tom
© Copyright 2013 Tom Norvell. All rights reserved.