A Norvell Note

September 7, 2025 – Vol. 29 No. 33

Just Listen

In 1976, the year Kim and I were married, and before I had a master’s degree in counseling, and long before I had an almost PhD (all but a diploma) in counseling, I read “How to Be a People Helper” (Dr. Gary Collins). On the back cover of that book are these words, 

“Everyone you know has problems, and it’s likely you can help them more than you realize. Think about it! You know that more ‘hurting’ people are helped by friends, relatives, parents, business associates, etc., than are helped by professional counselors. Even the counseling profession is facing that face. It is the objective of this book to help you become a better people helper than you already are; to help you become more sensitive to the feelings, need and pains of the people around you, to help you learn how to deal with ‘people-problem’ crisis; to help you learn how to use the same principles used by professionals I helping people; to help you know when and where to refer people who have problems too serious for you to handle, and to help you to understand how the principles of Christian discipleship are the basis for this total process.”

Almost fifty years later, I’m trying to learn to be a better people helper. 

Thanks to people helpers in my life – Jesus, friends, teachers, professors, family members, and long-distance mentors – I’ve learned a lot since 1976. I do not remember if Dr. Collins said this in his book or not, but probably the more important thing I’ve learned about helping people is this: just listen. 

Just listen. Listen to the words, their eyes, their silences, and their hearts. A part of the listening process is understanding that I cannot fix them, change them, or take away their pain. Jesus can, but I cannot. But I can listen. 

I cannot take away the sadness of a 90-year-old man who cannot understand why He is still here when he says, “I can’t do anything anymore.” I cannot change the fact that an 83-year-old lady feels angry and estranged from her son and daughter-in-law. But I can listen. 

I cannot undo what being married to a narcissistic husband for forty years did to the 91-year-old woman who, though much healthier now than she was then, still weeps as she shares her story. But I can listen. 

I cannot heal the friends who have been diagnosed with cancer, nor the friend who sobs as he describes what is going on with his family and the feelings of helplessness.

Although I often wish I could ease the grief in people who have suffered from church abuse, are devastated by the loss of a spouse or a child, or a relationship, or a teenager is trying to understand who she is. I cannot do that, but I can listen. 

Like Job’s friends, I find that I’m much more effective at helping people when I sit with them and just listen. I have learned that, as Solomon said, “a time to be silent and a time to listen.” When I need help, usually that’s what I want: someone who will just listen. 

Do you want to help someone you love? Start by listening to them.  

Just listen.

Tom

I love you.

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